Remember?

As I was reading the paper this morning, I came across an article about a new drug being studied that looks to be a real breakthrough for those suffering with Alzheimer's.  That would be a miracle, although too late unfortunately to save my mom.  It is exciting for those who now may have more treatment options!

Alzheimer's is a brain disease that causes problems with memory, thinking and behavior. Symptoms usually develop slowly and get worse over time, becoming severe enough to interfere with daily tasks.

 Up to 5 percent of people with the disease have early-onset Alzheimer's (also known as younger-onset), which often appears when someone is in their 40s or 50s. ( Uh-oh..that's too close to my age for comfort!!)  Those who have a family member with Alzheimer’s are more likely to develop the disease.  Another form of dementia is vascular dementia.  (Which is what my mom had). It is widely considered the second most common type of dementia. It develops when impaired blood flow to parts of the brain deprives cells of food and oxygen.  It, too, is considered to be a familiar disease (striking members of the same family). 
Obviously, as I have researched over the past 10 years since my mom was diagnosed, it is on the forefront of my mind.....so therefore everytime I lose my car keys, forget what I was about to say, or walk into a room and realize I forgot why I was headed there in the first place....I begin to think...."it's starting!"   I'm sure that
with the everyday chaoticness of life at my age, these things are quite normal.  It is also found that these momentary periods of fog and brain lapses can be attributed to "the change"..(haha don't you just love that phrase?)  So in my quest to learn all about preserving my brain and memory function, I've tried to eat healthy, keep my cholesterol in range and my blood pressure normal.  I've done crossword puzzles, read books, crochet, etc. doing all things to keep my mind stimulated as possible.  I've prided myself though that I am able to, and have always been able to, store phone numbers in the deepest parts of my brain to be recalled in a moment's notice! (Heck, I can still remember my childhood friends' phone numbers!) And usually once I dial a new cell or landline, it is imprinted there forever.  My dilemma is this - When I go to the grocery store or mall, and  swipe my debit card to pay, then get ready to put in my PIN number, I go completely blank!!!!
I cannot tell you how many times that has happened!  Thank goodness for the "credit" option. 
As I ponder this phenomena, I realize it must be because in this digital and technological age that we live in, my poor old brain just has no more space for PIN numbers and USERNAMES and PASSWORDS!!!  When I enter my home, I have to de-arm the security.  When I sit at my computer and order from a myriad of shopping sites, or sign on to the cyber school's site....in goes another USERNAME and PASSWORD.    Next, check my email....another USERNAME and PASSWORD.   Now to check my facebook?  Sign in first...... forget facebook, I'm going to blog....sign in again.  Oh, my have a voicemail....."Please enter your password then press #"......Well, now maybe I'll see if Bekah is on Skype......sign in again.... After shopping I'd better balance my checkbook. Now, that brings me to our wonderful local bank's online site.  For safety reasons, we are required to change our password every 14 days!!!! Just when I remember what it was, I've got to go back and change it!   OK,  enough of the computer, I'll go relax and pick up my Kindle to read a bit......unlock it with another password.  UGHH!  Usually in the course of a normal day (including a work day with even more usernames and passwords to access),  I have numbers and letters floating all around my tired head.  When vainly trying to recall the password  I usually ask myself, "Is it all letters and one numerical character?  Is it all lowercase and one uppercase??"    You may be thinking, why not just use one username and password?  Simplify it.  Sounds good, but we are told over and over again, never ever, ever never use the same password too frequently.  Wouldn't want my accounts to get hacked!
In my frustration to store all these keys in my memory, I admit I've found a way to keep track of them all.  Just now I've counted and discovered there upwards of 50 usernames and passwords that I have accumulated.  It's no wonder I go blank at the MAC machine! 
Wondering what my storage system is?   Sorry I cannot disclose how I manage these secret passwords, although I will admit that I have this great fear that someday because of my genetic disposition to inherit a brain disease, I will forget my foolproof system!
If and when that happens, I know three things for a fact:
1.  Nothing happens to me that the good Lord does not lovingly ordain.
2.  My children will still love me and take good care of me.
3.  AND my dear husband has promised to keep my chin shaved
    (if and when it would need it of course)!

Always and forever and No Matter What,
Karen

Letting Go

On the first anniversary of my dear mom's homegoing, I have been remembering what it was like to finally "let go".  As many of you are aware, my mom was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the early age of 67.  Because of her heart not being able to pump efficiently she suffered for the next 9 years with vascular dementia. (This followed the sad and debillitating course of Alzheimer's Disease).  Amazingly enough our entire family pulled together to keep her home with us as long as possible!  At the very end of her life,  she only spent a little over two months in an assisted living center.
While taking care of her I often thought about what it would be like when the time came to say good bye.  I usually pushed this thought out of my mind as quickly as it would appear.  I frankly didn't want to dwell on it. How do I go on without my mom?  She's been there for me forever?   Even when she no longer was able to "mother" me, I in short became her mother.  It was very much like taking care of one's own child.  But even still, she was my mom, and I felt so privileged to be able to return the care that she so lovingly gave to me, my husband,  my children, and her great grandchildren.
The week she began the actual dying process, was probably one of the most emotional times of my entire life.  I knew that very soon, she would no longer be with us.  How was I to say good bye?  How would I handle it?  Would I break down, would I stay strong for my kids, my dad?  Could I let go?
Being the medical power of attorney, that week, I had to (with the input of family members) make the ultimate decision as to whether or not we kept medically intervening, or provided comfort care only.  Even though my mind knew what the answer would be, my heart was fighting against it. 
Towards the end of that week, one day after leaving her side, I came home and began to restlessly pace.  I could not relax, and I had this compelling urge to walk (and run!)  I remember flying out the front door and just taking off.  I didn't know where I was going, but my feet led the way.  As I walked and prayed and cried, I realized God was leading me to my home place.  I walked to the neighborhood that I grew up in, went to my old backyard, sat down, and a flood of memories poured over me.  At the very same time, God clearly gave me a sense of peace.  Some of the memories that rushed back to meet me was my Mom and I sitting at the piano singing her favorite old hymns; sitting on the sofa while she told me about the tent/revival meetings that she had loved going to as a young girl; praying together when she was distraught or missing her brother.  But most of all, I felt God's presence and clearly heard Him speak to me, "It's time child.  It's time to let go and give her back to Me."   When I finally arrived back home later that day I knew in my heart the truth of Hebrews 13:5.
Lo and behold the very next day, my mom's dear nurse, and our dear friend and sister in the Lord, told us that it would only be a matter of hours.   The family members that were able to get here, came to be with her.  Around her bedside there was hymn singing, there was hand holding, there were hugs, tears and enough love shown that it made for a joyous, but sad departure.  Her soul left her physical body surrounded by her beloved grandchildren.  That is testimony in itself of her love for her family and their love for her.  God enabled the "letting go" to be bearable.  "From earth's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny."

In my devotion this morning I came across this from John MacDuff.  It is so fitting on this day of remembrance.  I pray it may be an encouragement to you who are facing trials, difficulties, or yet grieving a loved one.
The Greatest Gift
"Since God did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won't God, who gave us Christ, also give us all things?" Romans 8:32
These are amazing words! God; the Infinite, God; identifying Himself with the experiences of human sorrow; silencing every murmur with the unanswerable argument "I spared not my own Son. I gave my greatest gift for you; will you not cheerfully surrender your best to Me? Can you refuse after this unspeakable gift of My love, to trust Me in lesser things?
 He promised to give "all things"; these "all things" are in His hand. They will be selected and allotted by His loving wisdom; crosses as well as comforts; sorrows and tears, as well as smiles and joys. Mourning one, this very trial which now dims your eye, is one of these "all things." Trust His faithfulness. He would as soon wound the Son of His love as wound you!
"Won't God, who gave us Christ, also give us all things?" There is a "blessed impossibility," after the bestowment of the Gift of Gifts, that He will inflict one unnecessary trial, or withhold one needed benefit. Think of His love when He offered His Isaac on the altar. It is the same at this hour infinite and immutable. Yes! We may well be reconciled, even to the denial of earthly blessedness, because ordered by Him who gave Jesus! Lying meekly in the arms of His mercy, be it ours to say in filial confidence, "Lord, anything with Your love; anything but Your frown!"
 "All things." The whole range of human needs and necessities is known to Him. The care He invites me to cast upon Him is "all my care"; the need "all my need!" This is His own special promise. "And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work." (2 Corinthians 9:8) He will give me nothing and deny me nothing, but what is for my good. Let me not question the appointments of infinite wisdom. Let me not wound Him by one dishonoring doubt. Let me lean upon Him in little things as well as in great things. After the pledge of His love in Jesus, nothing can come wrong that comes from His hands!  Looking to the Rainbow in the cloud gleaming with the words, "He loved me, and gave Himself for me!" be it mine to say:
Lord, though You bend my spirit low,
Love only will I see;
The very hand that strikes the blow,
Was wounded once for me.

Forever and always and no matter what,
Karen